Stops talking about Beetlejuice: Eventually.

Hey, who remembers the huge Beetlejuice craze? I sure don't, I was too young for that shit. In fact, I don't even know if there even was a huge Beetlejuice craze. People probably thought it was alright, nothing special. Y'know, it had its moments. However, I did see most of it on Halloween about two years ago, and I conversed about it today with someone who shall remain anonymous (but claims to be "so sick that you'll catch pneumnia".)

Anyway, it would be a waste of time to review the whole film, mainly because I don't remember most of it, nor did I see most of it, and even if I did, I probably wasn't paying attention. That being said, I'm just going to review the end because... well... let's say it has affected me in ways that I could never imagine (i.e. I was greatly confused).

Here's an extremely quick summary of what I remember leading up the the ending:

- The goth girl might have been hot.
- Somehow she's transported to some zombie world in which Beetlejuice is there... for some reason... I really don't remember this movie, I don't even know why I'm attempting to write this.
- The ghost dad (not to be confused with Bill Cosby, Mack Daddy extroardinaire) was not played by Crispin Glover, but in my head I imagine Crispin Glover. "McFlyyyyy!"

Anyway, at the end of the movie, the goth girl is for some reason living with the ghost parents. I really don't remember why, nor do I want to. I mean, yeah, sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up in a cold sweat, wondering why at the end of the movie she's living with the ghost parents and not her biological parents who she was living with earlier, but I brush it off by assuring myself that it would not affect my life in any way. Yeah, so, she's living with her ghost parents and all, and she comes home showing off her report card. Her ghost parents look the card over, and she begs permission to do something. I assumed it was to party or maybe hang out with zombies or go picket outside of an abortion clinic or something, as would most people assume. Her ghost dad was hesitant, but she manages to convince him, probably because she was hot, and ghosts are into hot goths (common sense). You know all those assumptions I made two sentances ago about the partying and abortions?

Well, I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

Suddenly some catchy latin music starts playing. I was all into it, because everybody knows I love the catchy latin music, but then all these ghosts appear. Ghosts AND the undead. I overlooked it, figuiring that I was right about hanging with zombies. But she wasn't hanging, she was dancing. With zomies. Football player zombies. Coordinated dancing with football playing zombies. This just boggled my mind, namely because it made no fucking sense. Why the hell would she ask for this? More importantly, why the fuck would the parents normally forbid this?

Master Shake also forbids dancing.

It doesn't even end there. Then she proceeds to float. Now I know I said I wasn't paying attention to the rest of the movie, and I may have not even seen the rest, but I fucking know that she did not have this magical floating power prior to the ending, thus raising the question, how did she gain such a power? I quickly ran to my detective notepad (the kind that detectives use... you flip the page vertically to look cool and important... yeah, I have one. Jealous?) and put all the facts together and came up with this theory:

Jealous?

I then quickly flipped the page vertically and wrote down that the preceeding page made no sense and is irrelevant to the case. So that's how the movie ends. Oh, then you see Beetlejuice in a waiting room and some voodoo guy shrinks his head. I could talk about that, but I'd rather talk about how much I hate that Ty person from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I really fucking hate him. My mom watches that show every Sunday, and all I hear from my parents' room is an obscenely loud, obnoxious voice, and my Dad is usually in the basement at the time, so I know it's fucking Ty. I fucking hate his stylish spiked hair, I hate his stupid energetic voice, I hate how he thinks he's a saviour for pretending to know what he's doing and doing shit all when it comes to actually building the house. Oh my God, I fucking hate the fact that his name is Ty. What kind of terrible name is that? There's a young girl in my school named Echo, and I enjoy going up to her and saying "Your name is fucking ECHO! You have fucking hippy parents. Tell them to lay off the hashish and get a fucking job and stop naming their their childs 'dolphin' and 'rain forest'," until she breaks down into tears. I know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody named Rainforest. Jealous?

Fuck, I also hate how they see a fucking toy car in some stupid kid's room and then they fucking turn his room into a racetrack or something, because since he had a toy car, HIS WHOLE FUCKING LIFE MUST REVOLVE AROUND AUTOMOBILES AND MOTOR OIL! I FUCKING HATE THAT SHOW! I HATE YOU TY! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

Back to Beetlejuice. The official rating for the ending of Beetlejuice is...

WTF!? / 5

- Rob Quinones