The third LOTR is really just the second one but without that thirty minute scene that made killing monsters not fun for everyone. By Damian Bowness

January 13th, 2004

 

• LOTR 3 is exactly the same as LOTR 2 except for half hour of frodo’s adventure
• I could’ve rented and watched LOTR 2 again, and saved myself $10 plus 3 and 1\2 hours of my life.  This movie had the same old plot of LOTR 2, in which, a divided land full of selfish kings, did not want to help each other.  They refuse to ally themselves with one another, and rid the ever-growing evil that threatened to consume them all and bring about the end of days.  Yet, alas there was Gandalf who brought all the kings together and defeated the evil.  The only new material in this movie was Frodo’s completion of destroying the ring.  I couldn’t enjoy the battle scenes because they were the same as LOTR 2, except longer and drearier.  The timing of the different armies coming into battle was the exact same as the timing used in LOTR 2.  The only good things in the battle scenes were the war elephants.  Jackson (the director) couldn’t even make the dragons look cool.  How are you supposed respect a dragon when it gets killed in one move, BY A GIRL!  The whole getting killed by girl thing wouldn’t have been so bad, but the fact that it took one sword swing to kill him!  That’s just adding insult to injury.

 

• Frodo did nothing, Sam did everything
• Why the hell is this guy the main character?  This little baby would’ve been killed at the beginning if it weren’t for Sam.  Most of this movie consisted of Sam carrying Frodo to Doom Mountain.  If I were Sam I would’ve dumped Frodo’s whining ass, taken the ring, and finish the mission myself.  I can’t believe Frodo gets all the credit, that dimwit couldn’t figure out that Gollum was plotting against them.  Thank god Sam had his bullshit detector on and was able to see through Gollums lies.  Even with Frodo insulting him all the time, Sam still gives up his food and water to keep Frodo alive.  Sam is the REAL king in this movie and is the one who deserves to shag Liv Taylor not that Aragon dude.

 

• Racist
• What is up with the whole Westside vs. Eastside thing going on?  Don’t know what I’m talking about, well near the end of the movie Aragon starts a speech to rally his soldiers.  In it he mentions that they are “men of the west” and won’t fall to the men of the east or something like that.  What does Peter Jackson think this is, a rap music video?
• Not only that but everybody from the west is good and white (perhaps this is symbolism for America).  Everybody from the east is bad and colored (perhaps symbolism for the Middle East). (Rob's note: Perhaps Damian is just wrong.)

 

You! You were the one who haunted Rob in his sleep for weeks! Fucking dead fetus thing... STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!

• Feminism ruined the movie
• What the hell is up with the feminism in this movie, that one line “I’m not a man, I’m a woman” completely destroyed the “coolness” of killing the witch king.  The Hobbit deserved the killing, if I recall he was the one that saved that bitch’s ass when the witch king was attacking her.  The hobbit stabbed the king in the back, then the women got up and killed the witch king, and took all the credit.  What a bitch.

 

• List of cool people:
• Coolest: Sam
• Honourable mention:  the brothers (although they had gay names), the archer (even though he looks like the woman, the way he brought down the elephant was pimped) and the dwarf for his one liners.
- Damian Bowness